Friday, October 1, 2010

my side of the story


currently. im in a situation where things are falling apart. bit by bit. i got hit here and there. inside and outside. then someone or everyone says im a childish person. i give you the story of my life from my side.just to explain why. its not what i asked for being childish and stubborn. its just how i grew up eventually. its not like im blaming others for this. coz as everyone knew. i am a low self esteem person which tends to blame myself. so this is my route given by god and i cant make it the way others expect including family,lovers,friends and god.


ACADEMICALLY

i grew up too fast and there is no childhood actually. i already memorizing and practice multiplication and division since before kindergarden. i read a lot when i was before kindergarden. I at the point where no one would even imagine since i was small. thats is why i manage to excel in academic field untill i was in 3grade. after that i "jumped" class. i was shocked by a mathematical terms called "fraction". since then i was dropping my standard of education. untill i was at form 3. my pmr result wasnt bad. i got the offer to go to technic schools. my dad refuse so i stuck in subang. and i was learning biology eventhough i was intrested in ICT field. but. i move on. after that i got to asasi uitm. for a year and half. i study law. i was on every effort refusing to retake my muet exam since i know. if i flunk law. i can go to ICT field. however thanks to uitm. i still stucked at law. and now. im currently doing a degree in law without my passion.


EMOTIONALLY

i was grew as the last child. my mother puts a lot of hope in me. so she pushed my capability at age 5. and to be in the family is hard. imagine. a child play with itself untill 5th grade. how thats for lonely? however this is life. i grew. i was emotionally change since i was 5th grade where i finally have a "wet dreams". since then i was one rebellious boy. i was involved in schools gang. i skipped class. and even smoke. i was turning to a person who i am today. and at form2. i meet my first love. n thats totally change everything. i get this wet and weak heart since then. i was starting to turn unstable and unable to think logically. i learn my temper since then. i learn to cry since then. and for god sake. i am a weaklings since then.


RELIGOUSLY

i learned to perform my pray at age 4 or 5. i cant remember it well. i already finish the whole quran in standard3. i didnt even start learn to recite used iqra'. it starts with muqaddam straight ahead. and counting untill now. i repeated to finish the whole quran 7 times. however there is a black dot in my religious experience. i was a condemmed astray from form 4 till form 5 which i was an offical member of the satanism. thank god. i being reconverted by ustaz fauza in form 5. and untill now. im a muslims. i think subliminally. i was still at the point of searching god. and by god. he test me a whole lot of test.


SOCIALLY

i was grew up too fast that i dont see the value of social life. i was a silent or rude person. since i turned to 5th grade. i still remember how others dont like me. the only person who be friend with me at the gang. of course. the conversation and activities was a little bit harsh. i learn to social in other side of life. since then i have more friends older than at the same age. and with that all of them does not really apply the tittle "abang,pakcik" or etc. so when i meet people. its awkward to call and respect others. i was streotyping others to be the same age as i calling "aku,kau". when i shake hands with others. i cant really kiss elders hand. i only do that for my family and her family. thats seems to be rude. i'm trying to change.


I was pushed beyond my ordinary capability since i was small. now i am 2 years ahead of a person that at the same age of me in academic. i was being a little too unstable in emotions. im a persons that may not be understandable in religous as i was once an astray. i was socially rude to others eyes. here and there. i was one fucked up living persons. that is me. i was an incomplete persons with extraordinary route.

im trying hard each days to learn and adapt my life for a better things a head though.


but recently i was tested by beloved god. in family crisis. in love crisis. in financial crisis. in social crisis. in drugs crisis. in academic crisis. all these things hit me in one month time frame which is one month before my final. i barely can walk since i was falling, but now i had to run. now that is one hard task to complete. and i see it in this way.


"GOD TEST ARENT MEANT TO BE PASSED. ITS MEANT TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING".

currently. im trying hard to picks up few things. and i need others supports. i really hope you can share some of your motivational words just to move me there. to make it in life. tq. :(


i wish i was there. better ones than now who i am.